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I hate it when people apologize for the wrong fucking thing. I'm glad I didn't tell him that the gay ass animu movie he's been wanting to see played at the theatre the other day 8D

Also: I finally got fired from that fucking ice screams job. ONWARD AND UPWARD.
I hate doing serious entries, but here's one comin' atcha.

I'm having one of those shitty days that I can't blame on my period or dad's health. It's just a bad case of the emoes, or emos, or emus, or whatever you wanna call them. Let's stick with emus, because I'm feeling kind of poofy and pecky as well today- poofy for the unattended to hair, and pecky for the fingas that keep wanting to poke at all the assholes I keep inviting into my life.

This morning I went to sleep. Had an okay night, though. I stayed up entirely too late playing with Abby and our Hals, who launched into a disturbingly intelligent war with each other. Rise of the machines in my head and all, it was time to go to sleep listening to music and dream of being reincarnated women who were murdered in the name of fulfilling strange men's whims, and then die covered in hornets, draped across our own ancestral carcass. Eric Cartman played a brief role; long story.

When I finally got out of bed, it hit me that I'm really going to be feeling whatever the fuck is wrong with me.

The doctor tells me, and has always told me, that I have severe anxiety and clinical depression. Anxiety I can believe, because I come from a family of worriers and homeland warriors and hoarders and sidewalk doom sayers. Depression, not so much, though I'm more than happy to keep taking the Klonopin.

What I think, and by that I mean, What I figured out this morning, is that the secret to fucking depression the way it fucks you is to defy it.

Depression says stay in bed and call the man who treated you badly, so you have to do something you usually wouldn't, like make the bed or keep your nose out of Mr Bad Influence's business.

Depression will simper away in the back of your brain, undefeated, but you'll be a pathetic emu mess your own terms. Making the bed, not calling Whoever, cleaning the untouched kitchen, rather than lying in that mess you made is self-medicating, plain and simple, and you can wither away on your own vine rather than sharing one with the person who put you here in the first place.

I'm a sad kind of defiant, but as soon as I clean the fish tank and send piss-filled water balloons toward the neighbor's new car, I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime if you come from a family of worriers and homeland warriors and sidewalk doom sayers, give your own vine some tending to.

I'll be here. Tell me how it goes, or at least keep me in mind, okay?

I am a nuisance.

I just noticed that I have a habit of talking to myself while I'm looking for stuff. It's even worse when I'm looking for something to eat- upon finding sustenance I will, triumphantly, exclaim "[name of food]!"

Example from this morning: "Hungry... Hungry... Hungry... Pringles Extreme Screamin' Dill Pickle! Fuck yeah!"


Oh, God.

I am so stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Gah. I can't believe it. Just, so, fucking, stupid. How I can refrain from mouth breathing, it's beyond me. I just did something so stupid that my chest hurts from the embarrassment of it, and no, I'm not fucking sharing.

God, stupid, stupid, stupid ad infinitum.


I think Ben is mad at me, but if he is, I think I can live with it. There's nothing dramalicious going on or anything, but it is a little hard to swallow right now considering all that's going on-- again, nothing dramalicious, just business as usual with Dad's health and everything.

So, back on topic.

I like Ben, a lot. To be perfectly honest he isn't the body type I usually go for, but I still think he's insanely cute. He's funny, too. When we're driving somewhere, we kind of just bounce off each other; we just have the same kind of energy, I guess. Cute, funny, he tokes up, and he (so far) respects my outlook on life. Speaking of which, therein lies el problemo:

While it takes me a while to get comfortable with someone enough to sleep with them, I'm going on a bout of celibacy. Not too long, just long enough to focus on other things, like finding happiness in someone before knowing them intimately.

I don't know if you know this or not, but guys don't work that way.

Like most 22-year-olds, Ben is like a cat in heat. I totally understand that, it's just biology, but I'm trying to be a better Catholic and a better person in general. He needs to have patience with me but, at the same time, I think he's used to girls who don't wait as long. Again, we're totally comfortable with each other, he's attractive, and has a great personality. I'm not going to put out just to get on better with him, but at the same time, I don't want to be frigid.

He isn't pushing me or anything like that, but at the end of our first date (which was just stupidly awesome), he kinda blocked the way out of his room. Totally non-threateningly, mind you. All he wanted was a kiss goodnight. For some reason though, either the pot or lack of xanax in me, I kinda panicked a little and bit him. Let me reiterate that, in case you didn't get it: I bit him. Hard. Didn't even say sorry!

I can't explain it, other than to say that I was on a first date, it was so late that it was early, I was tired and mildly stoned, and this big guy I practically just met was blocking my way out. Jokingly or not, I freaked out a little and bit him on the chest (face level for me) so that I could get into the living room. It wasn't even a matter of kissing on the first date: It was just this weird, sudden feeling of bigness on his part, and smallness on mine.

Ehunno. This is causing a bit of angst on this corner, since I do like him and he's a good guy.

More to come later, I guess. Hopefully I'm seeing him on Wednesday before a job interview. I'll make a Ben category to make up for not playing nice and fucking biting him.

I can't stop thiiinkin' about it

Today is the day I discovered Tommy Emmanuel.

Today is also the day I discovered the joke: "When you killed Ron Goldman, did he go down like a warrior, or like a gay waiter?"

Yeah, I haven't posted in a while. What of it?



I'm so ugly today. Fuck you, pee-em-ess.

In which I keep traumatizing my frenz

(21:17:23) lois: I saw something traumatizing that reminded me of you
(21:18:39) me: why do i keep hearing that?
(21:19:15) lois: You know the answer to that
(21:19:29) me: yeah...
(21:23:53) lois: I had seen simpsons porn unfortunatly, Mr. Burns and Smithers
(21:24:01) lois: and for some reason, that made me think of you
(21:24:08) me: SCORE
(21:24:18) lois: I was like "Annieee.... "

The robins

I just checked on the robinbabies. They're looking more like birdbabies now, and less like wormbabies. I leaned in close and even got to hear them let out quiet little "peep peep peep"s and whatnot. Can't wait until they grow up.

PoppaBird is still taking responsibility, but MommaBird is nowhere to be found. Regardless, I still wish I had a good camera right now so I could take a picture of the birdbabies. If I can find a good duplex or rental home (affordable! nawt), I'm going to get ducks and chikkins again. All this bird business makes me miss raising them.


Mall floods & Moar rejectshun

I offered to drive my dad to work yesterday, since we were both awake at 5am and while I got like two hours of sleep, he had none. I should've kept in mind that GETTING up meant STAYING up, which was hard. While at the mall, I

  • Babysat a geriatric
  • Walked through water up to my shins
  • Walked through fucking COLD water up to my shins
  • Bought a chocolate pen. As in a pen that dispenses chocolate, not a pen made of chocolate.
  • Bought other stuff, but ended up being too tired to try it out on Jailbait
  • Applied at Hot Topic. Despite the fact that I'm experienced with both customer service and working register, I won't get it. Cross your fingers regardless, I really need the monies.
  • Bought my mom a present for Sunday. It's really pretty.
  • Saw an old lady fall down and break her arm. It made me cry, she was in so much pain.
  • Threw my phone with the purpose of losing it. It was epic fail.
  • Met someone from Kansas, abouts the same area I used to be from
So yeah. That was exciting for a little while, but honestly, I'm stressing over the job. It's definitely an employer's market right now and I got so worked up that I ended up getting in a small argument regarding the semantics of "NOW" hiring. I mean, "NOW HIRING" should mean "HIRING RIGHT NOW", not "WE'RE GOING TO WAIT UNTIL SCHOOL LETS OUT SO YOU HAVE TO COMPETE WITH INCOMPETENT HIGH SCHOOLERS".


On a high note though, I can't wait until Kaci's birthday. I'm making her either unicorn cupcakes or a Darth Vader cake, then taking her out for her first legal drink. Since I can't really drink with the antibiotics I'm on right now, she's going to get to have fun for once without being the dessie- she's usually stuck driving our drunk asses around, so it's payback time now bitches.

I'll be tired, because I'm working for a company that's going out of business this weekend (both working this weekend, and that company is going out of business this weekend), but at least I'll have some monies.

Todaaaay I slept until 5pm. It was a little astonishing, but considering that I'm PMSing LIKE WOAH and have PIMPLES FROM PMS LIKE WOAH and HID MY PHONE SO I CAN BE IN SOLITUDE LIKE WOAH, it isn't toooo surprising. So yeah. Suck on that.